My first day of jogging

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Monday, I bought new running shoes, my old running shoes, gave shin splits its was freaking “ouch”

So I sign up for a marathon October, a 10km run, so I thought to myself listen girl if you want to run that marathon you better be getting fit

Today is shit what day Tuesday, the school holiday, got me totally confuse I don’t know which day it is, anyway back to the point

I didn’t start off running in a public road, I started to run in the field, trying to enjoy nature a bit, but gosh I only can run 10m then I wanne die, iam so unfit, and doubting I will be fit enough for that marathon

10km are from our farm to town, that’s quit far, so I think I should start firstly with fast walking then to run??? Maybe I should ask my best friend Juan for help, because he’s a actually a gym instructor (damn I love contacts in certain careers)

Iam actually diening now, I am having suck a headache it feels someone is knocking on my head

To be honest, I set this goal for myself to run this marathon, always wanted to do one, so hopefully going to reach my goal, even though I give up quickly on my goals, after a week of jogging I will probably tell myself nah, iam not up to this anymore*

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My June school holiday assessment

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I got this stupid assessment at, school for my school holiday, we have to do research on 3 types of careers we want to follow oneday, we have to choose on of the 3 career and do job shadowing…

 

My issue are, why the F do you want to work in your school holiday about a stupid assessment, and the worst part is I don’t know what I want to do yet, what I really want to do is go to the British Army after school, don’t know why but anyway, we even have to interview the person who specializes in your career

 

So eventually one of them is a farmer and the best part is, we live on a farm, iam just going to push the evaluating forms in my brother hands and say listen fill it these forms, there’s no way iam going to work

 

Iam on school holiday, seriously I only get holiday 4 times a year, so I think that’s my benefit living on a farm, with my brother farming and I can give it to him without working! LoL who’s going to know I was working just me and him;)

My view on the basic of a Relationship

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The basics about relationships in life

*Respect – Between to lover they need to respect one another even feelings they need to respect, you also need to take other peoples views and feelings etc in consideration, almost like love later you can only respect another by firstly respecting yourself. I would say respect is when you keep the partners thoughts etc in mind by not back stab them, and not always think about yourself but also think about your partner

*When you in your 20’s you’ll met a guy perhaps long distance and want to make it work but trust is a main part, when trust is broken you can’t fix it, it takes a lot of courage to get that trust, with long distance if you don’t have trust you’ll always suspect someone of cheating, with long distance you need to be quite open minded with each other need to know what the person is thinking

*Support – What’s a relationship without support, when the other person is going through a tough time the partner needs to know how to support the person, even if just a crying shoulder

Happiness – Why would you be with someone if you aren’t happy, I mean seriously your wasting your time and also the partners time, happiness, is such a hard part to play, you need to do things together, spending time with each other, if you are almost the the same person you will enjoy such things so much easier and you’ll be happy, happy together

Happy ever After – Even in fairytales Happy ever After comes to an end, e.g someone cheats, sickness, death everyone dies at some point in their life so Happy ever After does not really exist if you think open minded about it

Open – Relationships always depends on openness, a real relationship will work if your open with your partner, you need to share thoughts, in return, you will know what the person is thinking, which makes a relationship between too persons precious they share and in return, they’ll have a much understanding about each other

* Love – Showing love and telling someone I Love You is two different things, showing love is caring, sharing, be open, spending time together, even when your out with friends with your lover, the guy should hold his girl tightly ask her if she’s okay the list go on, that’s showing love in public or even private

Saying I Love You, love and being inlove goes hand in hand, love is just almost like saying I care for you, with inlove, you show affection, you desire the person, with the 21st century people take love for granted, they don’t really know what is love and what does love mean, saying I Love You can sometimes mind fuck you, by saying I Love You, you should have that inner love in you, the love you have for a person, Love is one op those aspects in comes in different ways in love

Love is like a career, you learn, it should be something you love, and something you love to do, its almost like wake up, go to work go home and sleep, love is such a fascinating thing in love, its illusion (still believe it is) its a gift from nature, in order to have peace, you need to love

They say you can only love someone if you love yourself, thus that is true, you can’t love someone if your unhappy with yourself, e.g if your negative towards yourself your also negative towards the people around you

To say I love You – is someone that takes time, people confuse with I Like you with, I Love You..Every person have their own feeling about I Love You, and have their own understanding about I Love You

Relationships – Is a beautiful thing between too person, its caring, loving sharing etc…But relationships is a understanding between to people, when you feel and treat people differently from how you treat other people, its a emotional bond between two individuals*

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My new Fringe

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This morning my mother woke me up, and said “get dressed we need to go to Oudtshoorn were going to cut our hair”, so we get there Iam sitting in the chair infront of the mirror, so the hairdresser stand behing me (she’s so freaking nice), and ask what were going to do today so I tell her I want my hair in layers and want a fringe…

She cutted my fringe, I totally loved it, iam looking so much older and sexier

So the main thing is here, woman love to change their appearance, to look more sexier and want a need a new change, the thing about woman is appearance plays a huge roll on self image and confidence, woman wants to look sexy, that’s just in our nature

To have a appearance change it gives woman Confidence, Sex Appeal, Sexiness, and Self image, They love their selves again, and gives just that boost, to e.g in a bar go up to a guy and just chat him up, because new appearance gave them the boost to do anything “Fearless”…

Ps: even woman have a huge ego*

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Iam always someone’s stepping stone to luck!

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I saw this quote on a movie, not actually a movie but The Bachelorette where Ashley is the Bachelorette, so she sends this one guy home, and I felt this is a perfect headline for my post…Well these days I thought about it, if I dated a guy or better yet if I liked one, something will take us apart, iam broken hearted really it aches in my heart, and when they finally met someone their quite happy, a type of happy we didn’t had when we were toghter, then I fell, well iam their stepping stone to luck, but I don’t seem to get the guy who can make me happy, yet sometimes I think theirs seriously something wrong with me because they seem to move on as if nothing is wrong but me, I can’t barely move on, coz this pain crosses my mind regularly.

Maybe iam to emotionally attached, (well I fall quite easily for a guy, maybe its because I have this urge to wanting to love someone but can’t seem to do so), when they finally get someone that makes them happy so happy I wasn’t even in their life I get quite jealous, iam just so insecure maybe that’s the problem, or maybe it because I seek for love in the wrong places and end up broken hearted…

Sometimes it feels my fathers death cursed me to never love a guy, except my father! Iam 18 and girls and boys my age even younger is in their dream long relationship but Iam the odd one out*

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Idols

Sometimes I seriously think Idols, are mean to people, especially the judges, isit really necessary for judges to laugh in the contestants face if they can’t sing? I think it breaks down their Self Image, no wonder one of contestants didn’t yet commit suicide, if I couldn’t sing (which I can) and they would laugh in my face and its on live tv, I would dug my head in the nearest hole!

Sometimes I break myself at them laugh so hard that I start crying, its mean but you can’t help laugh especially when the person have such shitty voice even if they speak! Oh well its very good to believe in yourself even if you can’t sing! I would personally go to idols and just go for the idea to make my name shitty, to make people live and say “I was on idols” but oh well the contestants some of them can dress up quite fashionable:))

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Love

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Sometimes I wonder by myself, is love illusion or not does it exist or not??? No one actually knows what is it. Well I think when you start to like something and things is in progress, I think reality is a bit blind, well you like something suddenly you think about the person constantly smsing constantly you see each other, then you think your inlove well your not you think you are but your not. Its more of a matter your liening to yourself, by saying oh iam inlove, you can’t fall inlove, and you can’t love something love is blind its just a form of manipulating. When you like something and say to yourself Iam inlove, the truth is its just a positive energy, colorful aura you get and it makes you feel happy and worth something…

My 6th Tattoo

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Today, I got my 6th Tattoo, a Hibiscus Flower and a Dragonfly with it. But the thought came up to me, why do I have so many tattoos? Is it worth it but then I saw this qoute on the internet Usually all my tattoos came at good times. A tattoo is something permanent when you’ve made a self-discovery, or something you’ve come to a conclusion about. ANGELINA JOLIE – Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. MICHELLE DELIO…That qoutes brighted up my day. Tattoo’s is who I am, it is a reminder of what I’ve been through in my life, a Reminder to keep going in life, it has memories of life, of its good and bad times and thats what keeps me going.

I did’nt plan for this tattoo on my one feet. I actually went to give my next 2 tattoo designes, that also have a lot of meaning to me, but fuck knows when Iam going to get it, because firstly I need to redone my qoute tattoo on my right arm and also my fathers name in my pulse, and obvioulsy the one on my ass (Random I know;)) Even no, tattoo’s can be disadvantage, when you need to find work, especially even when your in importent parts in your life and you think Fuck I need to hide this or even Fuck why did I get this. I’ve learned in this 3 years since I have tattoo’s, I don’t need to feel ashame or anything this is whom I am, accept it or leave it, if you don’t like it don’t make it my issue this is ME!

Some people in life, have their own point of view of tattoo’s. My Mother is a really High Class woman, she don’t even bother with shitty people, but when I got my first tattoo she totally freaked she even went to find out more about tattoo removel and I just said no, So eventually I got more, and she just said, you need to stop getting tattoo’s, the way its going now, Iam going to be a colour book in a few years time….

Iam proud of my Tattoo’s and Iam not Ashame!

The weekend in Swellendam

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Today i had one of those regretful days. I was this weekend in Swellendam, i went to visit this guy Hendre. Since I’ve been in this situation, it turns not how i wished it did. The situation I am, is in that type of things, okay iam over love, i want to be a single independent woman, need no man in my life oh no no. Okay since we’ve been chatting the first i we met, we instantly falled in love, that was not my intention, because i promised myself listen i don’t want a guy write now in my life. Back to the story, so it turns out iam going to visit him  weeks since we met,, weirdest part is he bought me a red red rose the night we met, awkward i was so protective over this rose, no one must touch it or even smell it. So i told hendre i will come and visit him, on one condition i want to take my girlfriend with. But the only not “RiGHT” part is, is her mother doing know she’s coming to swellendam with me, she’s going to the farm with me. So the Friday morning he came to fetch me in calitzdorp, he and his friends. But i was so stoned, really i couldn’t even talk, i felt like a dead zombie, but this weekend i saw his lifestyle, he’s nice, but god we fight the whole time with each other’s, for inkstands we went out Saturday he went firstly to his friends and i was nothing i just sat there with his mother for hours so i just sat there, getting all sad and mad, but the night before i met his friends weird people i was very uncomfortable. But anyway, he’s a tug of war person, tug of war is there pride in the family like for other families rugby is, rugby is anyway shit. I told him to stop it but Saturday i realised listen this is him, i was quite proud off him, while he tug of war. So Saturday at the party i was drunk the shit happened, my girlfriend tried to fuck him and i up and also talk shit about me to his friend so sad hey. So i got so mad, she rode my private message on my blackberry and i was slowly building up my anger, when we came home the shit was running, she went to the street and met this guy everyone hates, i got so mad at her for talking this shit, i was in front of her and ready to moer her hard, but i said to myself no man don’t be comment, so she fuckoff back to oudtshoorn o’clock in the morning,, so i showed everyone fuck you don’t mess with me, coz iam not a soft hearted person. So anyway his parents and brother likes me a lot so that’s a bonus point for me hey. But he had a gf anyway 3 years ago so he should probably get into routine again. But his whole family took me back to calitzdorp, he slept whole time, i came home i was depro i made myself one big joint and god was i high sjo. Now i realised listen, you like this guy quite a lot and you wish you did things different this weekend, and regretting i was a bitch to him this weekend, he actually wanted to ask me out, but i was too mean. So eventually when they was riding back home with the bakkie i said to him listen iam his gf finish and done and he as quite happy lol…Okay I think our future tougher is bright but, it will be hard to see him weekends because he’s tug of war keeps him busy, but then again you won’t know how things will be if you don’t try, so let’s try this and see what’s happens even if aim still in my situation. He’s perfect i true dream guy, because he’s a farmer boy, brownie points, and also henry is quite crazy about me, and i over him….So I’ll see where this shit goes

Ps….i was so mad at my gf i troughs my blackberry into pieces

Dear Dad

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Yeah hey, today’s father died 12 years (14 April 2012) … I just write this letter to you, while you hold me tight and hold my hand tightly, as if you never let go, and wipe my tears, all I can not seen. All burn it to let go, but I can not because I do not want to say goodbye … not Yesterday I dozyn a blood red roses order to your grave to sit down, I hope you will enjoy it, because ECT never got the chance to show you a real flower to give to Dad’s ex loves you, but I will for the first time for your flowers on the grave will sit, I know daddy did not want me to cry and break within me, but I miss you, I miss our times together, I miss the love that I will never get in my life. I know mom and Louis I understand why flowers on your grave will not sit down. Know what time dad myself not to your grave to see if I drive past there every time I drive somewhere … I do not see how the love of my life and my hero and my everything is defenseless lie with the fact that I could not deliver. I wish You’re never away from me at 5 years old, I wish my life was taken eeder and not yours! I will still each day for Dad wait until you return from the hospital, that sun skyndag kleeterskool when I came down to fetch me louis, when I saw dad will be in that ambulance has told father father will come back and ECT father hoped to return but hetie father, my father agterlos on the ground you blood sweat and hard at work, but the place is all that there still exists that I feel closest to you, remember dad, father has the trees felled on the ground but minnuk father especially that one in the country and left behind jyt said we will still have to keep pieknik, the father knew that time dad was sick?? Oh daddy I miss you in this hell of a place. Louis and Eljo is sooo lucky to 12/13 year saamet dad was spent and grew up with a father in the house … Why did my fucking father left behind?? I wish my dad was raised, I watched growing up, my leather riding truck, truck tractor and learn driving, I wish I was with father farmed, but thank you daddy that I could saamet your farming time for dad alive! But I promised dad today that I would someday like to try father’s farm for sale, and farming. Canned their father terribly wrong, and they remain ex father knowing that they still work with us. My heart is still sore that louis dad’s truck sales, because I had so much to dad’s truck have been, because that’s all we still had that dad drove. ECT always = (the Father’s Day cards I custom made for Louis gave, I wish Dad was here bymy because I know dad would protect me against all that I would hurt. Im sorry for how I live daddy ex so sorry, I just want you to be proud of me and brag about your daughter oogappell. Thank Dad Loves I could have our times we had together I will always carry with me maakie matter what I promise dad . Im sorry I can not make peace father died, but I can not, it’s too painful I kanie the man who is like me forget. Sometimes I wonder how it would be if father still alive? I wish dad was still alive, so I had a guy bring home and not liked him not just dismiss him. know how onggelooflik dad proud I am that I have your name, and apparently my ex father equally proud of our Zaayman. But the proudest that I am a husband Steven Zaayman my father could be. What my hurts most is when people ask what does your dad, I hesitated with an apple in my throat and hoist’s death. It sucks that bad Dad no longer there … I will always in the dark looking for the brightest star, because I know that’s what daddy looks. I wish I could bathe for Dad’s and dad’s I love you, I hate the fact that I knew dad was terminally ill and will die I wish I could prepare myself that I was not present with this grief and pain saamet me about wearing it, I miss Dad terribly, though I know dad veraltyd and constantly with me but I wish I could see you just once, I wish father could come back just for a day, I will father all the time saying how much I love you and how you are my everything! It’s sad that ECT only the world, and I had so early lost father, why should my father agterlos here, and now I live with this shit that’s bad! Who is my day in the church bring if I ever were to marry?? father John 12 years long and it did so quickly walked. After dad died, I was so hurt, people gave me so hurt in life and wish dad could protect me. Sometimes I wish dad I was my own life to take so I just by dad to be in verewigheid. Ex as a girl who lost her boyfriend and beg him back, so I father, I beg dad back because I want dad back. Dad we have so much in common. ECT once by father and mother’s wedding photos look and dad are so out in those pictures that I wished I could marry with dad, dad was the finest man I ever knew, and ECT all the photos that I and dad together, I see the love of eternity and the love a father to his daughter and the love for his daughter to him. Dad looked as happy as gesmile, father was not father’s eyes off me like, I could see my dad Most loved father and the most on my mind than the rest. Oh dad, I wish there were more pictures taken of you, whom I could put my collection. I swear father of Uncle Louis said he must issue my 2nd father for dad it feels to me like a 2nd father. The older I get dad how I miss you more and more shelf it difficult for me. While dad knows dad is my hero, my light in life, my rock, the biggest love in my life and my ALLLES. I will always protect dad if dad not, but my gut ECT and your name on my wrist getattoeer so I can remind myself how much my dad … Dad, I mean get terribly heavy in life because dad is not there, but I try to keep my head high, but I think dad to sack him again, but dad I’m lucky to have many of my father, maybe it is better that I for the last 6 months before father’s death did not know what went on with dad, because I think dad I would have broken in that young age! Daddy, You’re the best dad any girl could wish for, Dad was the best ever, my dad was all, dad is my hero, Dad would always and forever be, I’ll never forget Dad though it sometimes so, but at least I know I have in my heart, Dad and Dad’s bymy! I love Dad, rather than anything, thank you that my father learned of LOVE. I enternily LOVE you daddy!